orsika

So much stuff has happened in the past two weeks that shouldn't be forgotten that I really have to just write it down for a change.

So. I got an orchid for my nameday from Dad. Her name is Lisa and she has green flowers! (Seriously, how cool is she?!) She's really very pretty and graceful and I think I like flowers in general. :) I also got a pair of ankle boots, which look soooo great but I'm totally incapable of walking in them. I guess, for beauty, you have to suffer. I'm not really planning on wearing them on a regular basis though, I don't think my feet would survive more than a week. (That might not necesseraly be the case, I probably would get used to them after a while.)
On Tuesday, I met the A. And she's just as amazingly awesome as I remembered her to be. She has been working an awful lot lately, but she was all smiles and happiness and honesty. I miss that girl so much. And with that half hour we got to talk, she totally made my week. Maybe month. I'm SO proud of her. :)
Wednesday sucked, but on Thursday we had a class gathering at VJ's (the head of the class). There were only like sixteen of us who could make it, but we had a ball. It was so good to see them again, it felt so very safe. And surely, tons of stories were left untold but there was such cheerfulness and I don't remember laughing so hard since I last saw them in the beginning of the summer. They were beaming. I mean literally, their faces were shining. And there were moments when noone really said anything and we just looked at each other, smiling. They blow my mind. They know me so well. I don't know how I got this lucky to have them in my life. :) And it also felt kind of good that everyone was a bit bummed that our inside jokes weren't really funny to anyone but us.
And I got an eyeliner and a vanilla scented perfume from F. Vanilla always reminds me of A and dancing and those happy, happy Wednesday nights. And I love how F remembered.
Friday started off as a total disaster, and wasn't really about to change until about 5 pm. (I had an all-day-long Electronics lecture from 9 am till 5 pm. Yeah, it was horrible.) When I finally got to escape from that stupid prison of Physics, my head was hurting pretty profusely and I felt like I had had enough. So I decided to skip the 40 minutes wait for the bus and walk home instead, which turned out to be one of the best decisions that week. I got to wave to the school from the outside and also bumped into BG and BT, who invited me in for a hot chocolate. That gave my faith back in humanity. And strangely enough, it felt that in some way, shape or form they will always be there for me when I need them. And the knowledge that I have such support, and such a great group of people that will stand up for me no matter what, made me want to hug the whole world.
On Saturday we went walking in the town with F, taking photos of pretty much everything that could somehow fit into the topic 'contrast'. I'm not saying we were very successful, but we had SO much fun. :) F had plans of finishing this school project in like two hours and then watching a movie (Object Of My Affection). Well yeah, right. We spent six hours with the photo thingy and fell into bed at 3 am, totally exhausted, having watched no movies at all. But it didn't matter. Just spending such a long time together was worth it.
On Sunday, we went to Újpest with Dad and my grandparents to make the graves look a bit more presentable. Did you realise what a beautiful fall we have? It was all sunny and almost kind of warm. We were pretty quick and effective, so time well spent.
And I think I finally found a place to dance. It's not that fancy and it's a group for girls only, just to teach us how you can shake your butt in a nice way, but still, I'm so excited! I mean, I don't want to get my hopes up just now, it might not work out at all, but it would be so great! And I'm not thinking about it as a permanent solution of the dance thingy, I just want to do something in the meantime while I'm waiting for the A to get all excited about teaching us again. :) (Oh, and by the way, do you remember me asking you almost a year ago to remind me to reread that post in August? On the 31st of August, I got a text message from D to do so. See? 'Awesomeness' doesn't even begin to cover that girl. :))
On Tuesday I got to meet Zs, who I haven't seen in aaages. She's busy, she's tired, she's kind of confused, but she's lovely as usual. We watched Up!, which is surprisingly sad and deep and it did take some time to get back to the giggly-phase after that. But it was all good, it was nice to see her finally.
On Wednesday, I met with N, which was kind of spontaneous and therefore a bit hard to organize, but I did have a good anyway. (But really, how couldn't I?)  And the minty hot chocolate is very yummy. I also happened to run into J and M that day, which I consider to be God's way of saying "see? I do care about you". I guess, God knows that these things can make my whole day. :)
On Thursday I went to help out K with some English stuff, but truth be told we ended up gossiping for like two hours straight. But wow, I needed that! :))
On Friday I did nothing useful except washing a huge pile of laundry, which later I forgot to hang out. I'm SO good at housework! Anyway, problem now solved, clothes been drying since morning, all is well.
Also, today was spent going to two different graveyards (okay, is there a difference between a graveyard and a cemetery?) which are located at two different ends of the town. But the weather was amaaaazing and we did actually have a good time. (And it all came back to me, when two years ago we ran into A (the semi-friend, not the A mentioned previously) and her mom while walking to the grave. They brought flowers. And it meant the whole world.) I mean, graveyards are no worse than other places, you just have to make peace with them. And in a strange way, I think I have done so. But that's a funny story.
Oooh, and Derailed will be on TV Monday evening. And even though I know it's quite likely a bit pathetic, but I'm SO excited about it! Haha, and the really funny thing is that I do actually recognize Aniston from this picture. :D Aaand, Kudrow will appear as a guest star on Cox's new TV show. That is like YAY! Oooh, oooh and the CSI exhibition will be in town from the 7th of November! I can't stop smiling! :)) And yeah, I'm a total freak, and sooo proud of it! ;)
Last week I also got down to writing all those e-mails I should have written ages ago. And today, RK replied! And that's usually enough to make my day. And she said that she was "so happy that I wrote". I mean, they truly, truly care. And that makes it so much easier. :)
And finally, finally Á (the godmother) is home! I missed her and the family gatherings so much. :)

These were two perfect weeks. Check out the roses.

Dear God, THANK YOU! :))) You've given me the best friends in the whole world. Please, make them happy. I adore them.

- This is for every one of You.

(And A is just as sweet as she was exactly eight months ago. If not sweeter.)

It feels like I've totally changed. It's weird, but a good weird. I don't know what happened, but it's different. I like this new girl.

I used to be the one who never cried. Now I am the one who always cries. At the prom, at Christmas, on the last day at school, at the graduation, when the final exams came to and end, at the closing ceremony, everywhere. And that's okay.
I feel this great urge to go and hug the whole world. It's like being in love with about fifty people at the same time. I've never been in love, but that really can't be any better than this. I adore these people. I think they have no clue just exactly how drop dead gorgeous they are. Inside and out. I've learned so much from them. They are amazing.
I am also constantly excited about something. Like this new font. I can't stop grinning about it. Or about tv shows. Or when I'm downloading a video. Or when the storm is coming and I'm dancing in the garden with Dad.
I don't really like stuff. Liking stuff is a transitional period for me. When I start liking something, it's just a matter of time before I start loving it.
I paint my nails. It makes me happy. And it's definitely D who should take credit for that. She's a wonderful person.
I buy clothes that I find ridiculous at first.
I start dancing when feeling down. It always feels stupid at the beginning, but then I just stop caring.
I eat comfort food. I love eating. Actually, I've been pretty much into sweet stuff recently.
I feel things. In an intense way.
I walk up to classmates and tell them how pretty they are, when they are looking good.
I asked RK if it would be okay to hug her. It was. I love that woman.
I love buying presents. And I'm pretty good at it.
I get hurt a lot more easily than the girl who never cried used to. And that's fine.
I think it'll only hit us with full force in September that it's over. In the summer we're supposed to spend a lot of time separated from each other. But there will come a time when we realize that there's noone around to gossip, to laugh, to worry, to study with. I'm dreading that time, it will break my heart. But maybe that's okay. I think we'll be okay too.
I promised myself to put all the necessary effort into keeping in touch with them. If I'm failing at doing so, please make sure to kick my ass.
I go to dance lessons.
I'm quirky. In maaany many ways. :) And when I'm going into the details about it, F just notes that "it's really funny to see it on your face, that you very well know just how stupid this all sounds". :D
I've learned that sometimes it's best to let things go. But it's very hard. Especially for someone who gets attached to stuff.
Also, people like it when you tell them you love them.
I do depend on people. The problem is when you don't.
It's very easy to make me happy.
I'm still a pushover. I don't think that's ever gonna change.
I think it would be okay to realize along the way that I want to do totally different things with my life. I think it can never be too late to make dreams come true. And I know that's corny.
I'm a dreamer. I have different types of dreams for different purposes. There are the ones that can actually come true. For these, I usually go for. But sometimes it can be such a disappointment to finally succeed, that I need some unattainable ones that can take up the space.
It's strange. But I kind of like it this way. (Even though I don't like stuff.) 
 

( Showtime )

 
 

I needed some change. I'm not sure why, nor if it will be permanent. I'm confused and whiny. No worries, things are going well though. I'm pretty happy with the new layout. Hah. Yay. :)

It's just so very easy to love them, that I can't even tell. God, they are perfect. Just so unbelievably amazing. :)

D (e-mail): I always think about how great you are. I'm not saying it to flatter you, it's just true. Simply perfect. Beautiful, not only clever, but a genius! You have opinion, you're sociable, have great taste, everyone loves you, you're friendly, but you can also gossip, which is good! You're good at everything, even at things that you hate. There is almost nothing you don't know, you're such a polyhistor. ♥

Awww, I LOVE this girl. :) And just as I was typing this, she wrote me a text message. *grin*

IÁ: I'll miss your essays. I've just realized that I haven't read any of them for quite some time. And I really loved them.
O: What if I write English e-mails to you?
IÁ: That's a great idea! Make sure to add the sarcasm. :)

O: Promise me you're gonna take care of yourself! And you definitely must call me when you get back.
K: Sure. :) You know, your mom would be really proud of you.

J: I keep picturing that once the school year starts, we're all gonna have lunch together, texting each other when we have some time between lectures. Universities are not that far from each other.
O: Yeah, that would be really great, let's do that!

I so don't care if all my free-time will be spent having lunch with them. :) I really couldn't make any better use of it.

M: Oooh, come ooon guys, bring some wood! Why can't any of you help a little?
O: Heey, I did help!
M: Yeah, I kind of had to kick you to do so.
O: Come on, that's still more than anyone else did. I pulled out a whole tree. Kinda.
M: That's true. Okay, I love you.

A: Thanks for taking care of her.
RK: I didn't do much. But I definitely enjoyed every minute of it.
O: I did too.
RK: You're not crying. If you're crying, I'm crying too.
O: Would it be okay if I hugged you?
RK: Come here. How could it not be? You can always come back for hugs. You know, I need them too.

O: Don't cry, Sweetie, I love you. No worries, we're gonna grow old together, baking those really bad vanilla muffins for our grandchildren.
F: Okay, I like that. But couldn't we bake some good muffins instead? And you shouldn't cry either.
O: Oh, come on, why do you think I haven't stopped crying since I got home?
F: Well, dunno. Maybe I know you?
O: After 12 years? Maybe you do. :)

O: Ah, damn, we should have got off at the previous station.
K: I think it's gonna be shorter this way anyway.
O: It can't be. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line.
L: *eyeroll* Jesus Christ! Stop that.
O: I know you love me.
L: I don't.
O: You do.
L: Ahh, fine, I do.

A: Hey!
O: Heeey, so good to see you!
A: You look really pretty.
O: Thank you. :)
A: Oh and by the way, thank you for that text message in the morning!
O: Uh, yeah, I really tried not to make it sound like I expected you to forget about it.
A: No, it's quite all right. I think you know me.

TVJ: What's your sign?
O: Capricorn. 5th of January.
TVJ: Yeah, I knew the date, I just wasn't sure of the sign. Capricorns are really strong, you know.
O: That's good to know. I think I'll need that. :)

M: I didn't study anything for German lessons this year. I kept copying O's homework.
O: Yeah. And you know what the strange thing is? This was the first year it didn't bother me at all.
BG: Hmh. Seems like people change.
M: Well, it was me copying your homework, it sure didn't bother you. ;)
O: Strangely enough, that was actually a factor.

E: A. talks exactly like you. Your gestures are totally the same.
O: Noo way, my gestures are not at all pronounced.
E: They are.
O: Eh, fine. They are.
E: But A does the same. When she was talking it was sooo familiar, but it took me at least ten minutes to realize that you are the one who she reminds me of.

*content sigh* They make me happy. And thinking about them makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. But nonetheless, I feel like the luckiest person on Earth. :) 

They left me with your shadow,
saying things like life is not fair

& I believed them for a long time.

But today, I remembered
the way you laughed
& the heat of your hand in mine

& I knew that life is more fair
than we can ever imagine
if we are there to live it

I want to remember this day forever. I want to remember it, because it was one of those perfect ones, we usually tend to forget. Because it's always easier not to realize the beauty in all this stuff. But today, it was perfect. There was singing, and a few tears, and happiness, and crazy giggles, and hail (hah, a new word!), and D's new shoes, and their complete understanding, and a bit of eyeroll, and the theatre, and excitement, and D whispering "you're amazing, I love you so much", and some searching for A, and chocolate eating, and then some hiding from B (who was there because of A), and a great deal of applause, and Dad taking us home, and contentment and beaming.
We are just usually so engrossed in trying to survive that we forget why we are even trying. But after all, it makes sense.
 

It's back. Finally. The happy, giggly cheerfulness. The positive changes of wintertime seem to be permanent. Thank God. :)

And there are so many, many things to love. And it's okay.
I love that D is just as childishly excited about Friday as I am. I love the way the thin layers of Lindt chocolate melt in my mouth. I love the way the sun shines on the flowers in the garden. I love the colors of the lollipop we got for D. I love the song they remind me of. I love how F agreed to come with me on Tuesday (to find my dream shoes in H&M) without any hesitation. I love how Dumbledore's blue eyes twinkle. I love the soft tone of the nail polish I bought on Saturday. I love the purple, heart-shaped straw I fell in love with on Thursday. I love the dots on my shoes. I love how graceful A was on TV last Thursday. I love the five minutes walk from the bus-stop to dance lesson. I love to look at the orchid (Emőke). I love the little poster of the dance-play we are going to on Friday. I love how Grandpa came to pour half a liter of perfume on me, all dressed up and elegant. I love the torch sitting on my desk. I love the chocolate cake Grandma made for me. I love that F always smiles whenever I make the fishy lips face. I love how they all smile at me from my wall when I go to bed. I love the smell of the body-not-at-all-lotion. I love Rachel's hair in the Friends theme. I love when the samba music is surprisingly fast. I love RK, I love how very proud she was. I love the ease A keeps winking with. I love the red balloon I took home from school. I love the inside jokes we share with the class. I love to watch certain videos for the hundredth time. I loved their text messages about two weeks ago. I love to dance the Macarena. I love this fidgety excitement. I love that it all seems so right.

And A is still the sweetest person ever alive. Surprisingly. ;)

There was such an awful amount of sadness in the way their eyes shone with tears, in the way they sighed with resignation, in the way they finally gave up, in the way photos disappeared. Our hearts were all breaking. For ourselves, for each other. Cords were stretched too far. And there is such a huge space left behind now that they don't hum anymore.
And in spite of all the tears and wounds, the pain and the whispering, I still miss the long, hard, snowy hills, all the cold and the whiteness, the tea and the cards, the sunshine and even the fog. The finality of it makes my heart shiver. The knowledge that we will never be together like this again. I got to love you all way too much for it not to hurt.

It's been a perfect week. Totally dancy, with four dance lessons and four dance performances. Festive, with two days of celebration. Lovely, with all of them gathered there, really just being there together.
The borrowed pieces of shabby clothes were collected once again. The air was filled with excitement just once again. And there was this great, happy-giggly togetherness in every laugh and every hug. And really, it meant everything in the world.
All was done in a beautiful way. I'm proud of the stairs, the corridors, the classrooms, the blackboards, the gym, the posters, the whole place. And I'm so very proud of Them, each and every one of Them. I want it to be a happy birthday. I want this place to know how much we love every chair and every table. I want this place to know that it makes us happy. That it has given us the eight most perfect years of our lives.

And A is still the sweetest person ever alive. :)

It's been such a perfect week.

 

There may be many things we forget
in the days to come,
but this will not be one of them.

Someday, the light will shine like a sun through my skin & they will say, What have you done with your life? & though there are many moments I think I will remember, in the end, I will be proud to say, I was one of us.

M: What does she look like?
O: What do you mean?
M: Well, I imagine her just like you, but taller. Bigger. Dunno, like those matryoshka dolls. You would be the smaller one. But she would look exactly like you, just bigger.
O: Umm, she's certainly taller than me.
M: Yeah, told you so.

And then there was laughter.
M. I love every inch of her. And I am so very proud to say, that I am one of us. I always will be.

I really have no clue what's up with me. All day there was such a great and tense excitement in the air that it was hard to even move or get dressed or to do up my hair. I was rushing all around the house while doing effectively nothing, but worrying about tons of undefined things. And this strange, unexplained flutter finally accumulated half an hour ago and exploded in a bubbling giggle which turned into a hysteric sob which then ended in an ear-to-ear grin. And I'm still on my tippy toes having butterflies buzzing in my stomach (they don't even buzz, do they?) and I honestly don't know what has got into me.

I can't wait to find out if being good the whole time was worth it.

It's safe to say that messing things up with N wasn't a part of my Christmas plans. But things have developed a habit of going completely wrong lately. Maybe not everything. But things that matter the most.
Anyway, I decided not to take this Christmas thingie too seriously this year. I'm going to consider it a family party with tons of food (which I shouldn't be getting excited about actually) and some giggly, shallow happiness. (If I'm taking it seriously, it suddenly gets really sad, that's why I chose the other method this year.)
So let's get to the wintery goodness.
Santa came a day earlier this year. He was supposed to come on the 5th (Friday), but instead he decided to hurry things up a little and knocked on our classroom door with two large pizzas on Thursday. It turned out that it was the headmaster who informed him that the 12th grade wouldn't be available on Friday because of the prom. I think Santa kind of loves us.
And well, the prom. A. brought us chocolate Santas. To all of us. That was the first time I started crying that day. From then on it became somewhat constant. It was a good day. Not because things went fine (not that they didn't), but because things meant a lot more than anyone had ever expected they would.
Then came a strange, silent and empty week. D (the friend) was tangled up with all the language exam stuff and that left both M (the friend) and me alone. There was an air of acceptance and we finally started to put our pieces together. There were four tests scheduled for Friday, so it officially was a horrible day. But then there were 10 seconds of exploding happiness that put such a huge grin on my face that I decided not to let it get washed away by anything. It took everything in me to stick to it, but we managed. We as me and the grin.
And Saturday was the 13th and it was such a very special day in so many aspects. We didn't really hope for anything. We just wanted her to have some fun. Surely, we were all worrying our heads off but there still was a possibility that it just wouldn't work out. But it did. And we were proud. So very very proud. And she was so very graceful, even though she didn't get a chance to talk. We were simply happy for her. Personal messages on MSN all said the same. And on Monday every one of us came to school with bright, bright eyes and a knowing smile.
Monday was also good. It turned out, that unlike many other things my English was fine. And yeah, I'm proud of that. And I think that N, F, D and R (the cousin) were also proud.
Thursday was dancy. J (the classmate, I'm really not sure though how to label her) had told us that there would be a dance performance which she participated in, and we could come if we wanted to. She had also clarified that it wasn't going to be a big deal, as there would be like ten minutes with her being on stage but it was also an option to leave after that ten minutes if we weren't interested in the other parts. After a slight discussion, F and I decided to stay till the end. And when J pointed us from the stage when they came out to bow, there was a definite amount of happiness on her face. That left no doubt in us that it was totally worth every minute of it.
On Friday, M (the friend) was right about the corn. (This is really very embarrassing and disgusting and also kind of morbidly funny. M is insane. :D)
Saturday was about all the Christmassy (messy, rather) celebration with the class. About a month ago there was a draw to decide who was going to give a present to who. I got M (the friend). (I didn't actually, but I made some effort to help Lady Luck out.) For me this was really essential, as strangely enough we've always liked each other but never got to make this clear. And I wanted to let her know that she was important. She got a hand-painted t-shirt (lucky she's a die-hard skier), her favourite chocolate (gotta admit, I've got my sources), a card and another card. One of the cards was pretty straight to the point and the other one was totally symbolic and I wasn't even sure whether she would get it. (The paper, the ribbon, the snowflake and the colors all had their own meaning.) She did. She hadn't even read the obvious one when she threw her arms around my shoulder and started sobbing. I was glad that she was the first one, after that it was okay for me to start it as well. She was happy. And that was the whole point of the day. I got a body lotion (actually it's solid, so body-not-at-all-lotion) and a shower gel (which is really gel and not liquid) from Y (or J or whatever. he's officially an A, but noone calls him that). They are awesome! :) The body-not-at-all-lotion smells like honey and milk and chocolate and honestly, it makes you giggly.
In the evening something happened that we've never ever anticipated. We just kind of wanted it to be over, cause she was visibly tired. But after all it ended in a stunning bliss. Her face was priceless. The utter surprise in her eyes still makes us beam. :)
I'm really skipping the negative parts here. :) But probably that's fine, cause we know them all too well anyway. I wish it would get better soon.
And well, tomorrow will be a total rush. It always is. But I decided not to worry about it too much. This is definitely not supposed to be the best Christmas of my life, so no pressure. ;)
Oh, and I have this strange excitement in me and I'm quite sure it has nothing to do with Christmas. Please God, I really want to make this work, I can deal with the shitty Christmas, just help me carry this out. Thank you. xoxo, Orsi ;)

She was perfect. And every and each of us knew that.

You can think whatever you want. Feel free to consider me unhealthily enthusiastic, fanatic, crazy or even pathetic. Today it doesn't matter. It simply means much more than you'd ever think.

This is something big. This is something awesome. This is something important. This is something we greatly cared about. This is something we've been excited about for weeks now. This is something we wanted to know everything about. This is something we really wanted. This is something we fought for in our own way. This is something we did together. This is something we've never dared to hope for. This is something that makes us all grin and cry at the same time. This is something we're proud of.

Whatever you might think, that can't change any of it.

And yes, maybe I'm too enthusiastic. But F (the friend), D (the friend) and M (the friend) have all clarified recently that this was the very thing they loved the most about me. And that meant pretty much everything.

Fuckin' hell, yesss!!! They totally did it!

*dies in post-euphoric bliss*

But really, what a way to go...!

Seems like we're all a mess. And as pathetic as it is, even in our messiness we're united. It hurt to see the blue torches scattered all around the classroom, it hurt to give back the borrowed pieces of shabby clothes, it hurt to see the look in their eyes, it hurt to collect the money for the boots. Every intake of breath hurt.
VJ (the head of the class) went home on Friday and started sobbing. She couldn't stop until Sunday. I told her I'd been doing the same for the last week.
A (the semi-friend) started crying when she learned that she got a 4 for her test.
D (the friend) started crying when she realized that her favourite food was for lunch.
I started crying on Saturday when it turned out that A was in the final.

Tomorrow, for the first time in three months, we're not getting up at 6 in the morning to go to dance class. There will be no edgy yawns, no quarrels, no stumbling in high heels, no A, no desk-carrying, no recorder-hunting, no rushing to our first lesson, no nothing. I don't think we've ever really realized how much it would break our heart.

She had the torch with her on Saturday. And by doing so, she brought some light to our week as well. For us, it was important. And seeing that it was important for her as well, finally made it kind of right.

I'm a complete and utter mess. It's not about the dress, the shoes, the dances, the costume or the afterparty. It's about everything the end of it symbolizes. I can hardly sleep, eat or think rationally anymore. It makes my heart ache in places I never knew existed. And all in all, it appears to be pretty hard to swallow the lump in my throat every minute of every day.

The One here is part of it. Because we love Her. And we are all so very proud of Her, that it makes us laugh and cry at the same time.

P.S. I've just realized that I stopped counting. (Not the CSI-kind of countdown, the other type of counting.) It's not that I don't know the date if I'm given a minute to think about it, but I don't know how many weeks have passed from the top of my head. (Whatever you think this is about, you're very likely mistaken.) I'm not sure whether it's good or bad. I don't know if it even means anything. But clearly, priorities have shifted. For the first time in years. And it's somewhat creepy and somewhat fine.

Also, I've made a decision. Right now it's not feasible, but I really want to make this work. Kindly, please, remind me at the end of August 2009 to reread this post.

You go to bed in one kind of a world and wake up in another quite different, and if this is not enchantment then where is it to be found?

I guess, it's really like that. So many of us still get giddy about it every year. And it makes us beam with such an inexplicable happiness, that we really can't stop smiling even though we have no idea why exactly. And that's okay. It doesn't matter that many of us are adults now. These days, there are more important things than that.
I wanted to call F to squeal with her. We used to do that. Not that the other one doesn't have any windows that she can look out of to realize that it's indeed snowing, but calling each other made it somewhat official. It used to be kind of a yay for the first snow ritual of ours. I didn't call her this year though. Nor did she call me. Something has changed. And we can't quite put our finger on it, but we can feel it. And we really tried to fight against it. I think we both did. It just didn't work out. I'm not sure whether it was even supposed to. It's sort of funny actually. Neither of us likes to talk. Neither of us can. And there is just no way the topic will be brought up by any of us. But I don't think that is the problem. Talking never really solved anything. It wouldn't do so in our case either. I would tell her, I didn't like it this way. And that I knew that I didn't have any right to feel this way. And she would say that she understood. And that she was sorry. She wouldn't be really, though. And after all we would agree on how very wonderful we were that we managed to bring things out in the open. But none of this would change a damn thing. She wouldn't change anything, she wouldn't want to. She would think that finally everything was settled. I would have even less right to be angry with her. And we would be back on square one once again. Talking rarely solves problems. Change does. But I don't know if people can change. And neither of us wants, anyway.
So we're dealing with things silently. We're getting used to the situation. She's still totally unsure. And she knows I'm hurt. But we are kind of hoping that ignoring the question will eventually solve it. I don't wince anymore. I don't leave whenever I see them. I can talk with them. If I must. Otherwise I'm still trying to avoid them. It's still such a relief when E (the sister) shows up and joins the three of us in the bus-stop. I still look away. I still don't ask. I still find solace in Maths exercises. I hope I will for the rest of my life. This is something constant. This is something I don't ever want to lose. Because it's static, it's soulless, it's logical.
It wasn't really a bad week though. I got to squeal with D about the snow. And really, who else can I wish for? D is totally lovely. She was so very proud of me, already picturing me with the Nobel-prize. It's silly, but seeing her beaming smile, it was really hard not to cry. They were all so proud. All of them. Even the ones who I rarely talk with. They told their parents. And probably everyone they knew. N was proud too. There is simply no doubt about that. Even if we were both tired and busy.
They just... they keep me alive.
And also, A (the cousin) wants to dance with me. I've never thought I would be so insanely happy about that. :)
It wasn't a bad week. :)

When you can read & write & lie without laughing, I said & her eyes got big & she said she didn't know it was that hard.

I'm such a kid, then. It was one of those conversations that don't really say anything at all, but the unsaid lines in between make you smile anyway.

O: She gave 23 points for it, after all.
BG: Yeah, I know.
O: That's not fair. I bet you'd known it for ages when she told me.
BG: Yup, you're probably right on that one. I'm kind of well-informed, you know.
O: Yeah... still not fair.
BG: And I'm quite sure that I'll be the first one to know whether you can go or not.
O: You already know?!
BG: *shrug*
O: No, you can't, I asked her in the morning, she didn't know it then.
BG: Well, I've told you, I'll be the first one, not her.
O: But come oooooon, you know it then?
BG: *smile, shrug*
O: Aahhhrgh, why can't you just give me a straight answer for that one?
BG: Cause you wouldn't be so worked up that way.
O: I'm not worked up.

Maybe I said it too quickly, or maybe the pout was too visible, or maybe he just knows me well enough not to buy my crap. Anyway, the second after that sentence left my mouth we both burst out in laughter. It was such a pathetic attempt of a lie that we didn't even bother being embarrassed about it, we were way too busy trying to catch our breath again. It turned out that he still didn't know it after all, but in the end it really didn't matter. It was just good to see that he cannot be fooled easily. As a matter of fact, nor can the previously mentioned she.
(There are some people like them. Actually, there is one who cannot be fooled at all. Trying to lie to her is pretty embarrassing though, and totally useless. But I like it that way. And as creepy as it is, she knows that as well.)

So. As basically everyone around me is (or about to be) away for one reason or another, I decided to come up with a backup plan for the school break. (D, F and E are visiting relatives, Dad and N are both away on a trip.)

Here is the To Do List for the following 10 days:

▫ studying as much as humanly possible (English, Physics, German and Maths, in this order)
▫ reading the required reading (four books) for Literature class
▫ writing the Philosophy essay and studying the tons of definitions for said subject's test
▫ writing an article for R (the IYPT kind of teacher) and meeting with said person
▫ meeting with Zs (the IYPT kind of friend)
▫ sending a greeting card to A (the birthday girl)
▫ baking muffins with F (we're in the she-doesn't-tell-I-don't-ask stage of our relationship)
▫ watching both the CSI eps airing in previously mentioned time period (*happy happy dance for happy happy end*)
▫ keeping in mind to switch to winter time on Sunday
▫ tidying my room (yeah, right, very likely)
▫ buying a new mechanical pencil (the current one has been refusing to work properly for weeks)
▫ trying to figure out what I want to do with my life (I hope I won't get this far)

So yeah. I guess I'm ready to fight. And kind of ready to shut all the disturbing circumstances out.

Uhuh, Monday(ish) update: (actually it's been Tuesday for 46 minutes)

▫ two out of four books read (I'm good!)
▫ meeting with R arranged, will take place on Wednesday
▫ Zs is out of town, meeting delayed (dammit. -.- (geez, the 'womit - damit' parallel is not really appropriate here, is it? ;) studying German is not healthy.))
▫ muffin-party arranged, will take place also on Wednesday (F actually called me and said that I'm the first one she is arranging programs with because this is the most important thing she'd like to get done in the break. I was stunned. I still am. I think she loves me. I'm sure I love her.)
▫ switched to winter time (Still managed to be late from church. Actually, I didn't even make it there.)
▫ figured out what I don't want to do with my life: I would make an awful singer
+ exceeding all my expectations (okay, that's a Harry Potterish E then), arranged a meeting with N for Thursday

*pats her shoulder* Well done, Orsi. Anyway, that greeting card is like REALLY urgent now. Better send it tomorrow. *troubled face*